I am going to be honest, lately I have been having a lot of negative thoughts.
Eli has had a cold for about a week and a half now and for me that means only a few broken hours of sleep a night. I'm tired. I'm really, really tired.
Over the past couple years I've followed a lot of blogs. These are usually the blogs of people who, to me, appear to have their lives together. They are the type of people that cook all their meals from scratch (organic, of course...probably locally grown, too), build their own furniture, and still have time to look like supermodels while raising multiple children.
Initially (you know, before I had a babe of my own) this was really inspiring because hey! I would totally love to be that kind of mom!
Except...then I had a kid.
And every day is a lot like treading water, just trying to stay afloat. I don't have time/energy/will to do all those things that looked so inspiring pre-baby. Don't get me wrong, having a baby is really awesome. But it's also really a lot of work.
And I'm tired.
Now those blogs that once inspired me kind of annoy me. I am envious of their ability to even make their lives have the appearance of being so together.
I am annoyed because my husband doesn't come home from work and immediately become involved with our child. He usually gets on the computer and we don't have a real conversation. I am annoyed because if I even make it to the grocery store and buy fresh ingredients to make something for dinner, I usually don't even do anything with said ingredients and then they rot, and then I throw them away. I am annoyed because I get on Facebook and see friends post statuses complaining that their baby didn't sleep that night when my baby has slept through the night two or three times since I brought him home from the hospital (and for the record...through the night means 6+ hours...we've done 7). I'm annoyed because I have bags under my eyes and no amount of concealer can hide the fact that I just need a freaking nap. Mostly I'm annoyed because I can't choose to be happy despite these things.
I guess my New Years resolution should be to just "deal with it" in a positive way. I don't know exactly what that would look like in my life, but when I do, I'll let you know...
Being a momma is tough stuff, I had all these ideas before I became one and have struggled so much with everything you mentioned above...you are not alone, I promise, it is weird because the world tells you that a child "completes" you(lie lie lie!) I firmly think that God has used my children to break me in ways I never thought possible...to bring me to my limits and push through them. I am exhausted all the time, I feel like I never have a moment to myself to regroup yet it is so easy to feel completely alone while never being left alone. Yet through it all, I look at my kids and love them so much, and if they come through childhood, they may not have home cooked perfect meals, cool furniture I built, I may let them watch too much tv somedays...but they will know they are loved! Love you Abi, and you are a great momma :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Callie! You are awesome. I agree with all the things you said, especially that the important thing is that your children know that they are loved. Motherhood has definitely been trial by fire in lessons of patience and selflessness, among many. We should really try and get together more, even if the rest of the 3A clan can't make it...I am really longing for some stay-at-home mom friends!
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