Actually, I have way more than two weaknesses. But there are two that are immediately relevant to the story I am about to present. And they are (drum roll, please):
1. communication
2. conflict resolution
Every time Rob and I have some kind of marital tiff, I feel an urge to write about it on this blog. However, I always stop myself because if I did, this blog would appear to be highly negative and I do not think it is healthy to publish things that are of a more personal nature. On the other hand, the original purpose of this blog was to document the first year of our marriage and if I failed to mention any of the "bad" stuff, I would be deceiving myself whenever I looked back. Because let's be real, this crap exists.
Back to the issue. This evening my beloved cousin Hannah was in a play for her college. She had invited both Rob and myself over a week ago. Since that time, I have mentioned the play twice to Rob, and both times he appeared willing to go. That is, there were no objections. When I arrived home from work at approximately a quarter after six, I told Rob that we could pick up dinner while we were out. I do not remember his exact response, only that in print it would appear to sound congenial but in real life, his voice was full of irritation and it was more than obvious that he did not want to go.
This would be the point where my communication weakness comes in to play.
I say, "You don't have to go if you don't want to."
Do I mean that? Absolutely not. What I mean is: "You don't have to come, but if you don't I am going to be silently super pissed at you most likely for the duration of the evening and maybe even into the next day depending on how everything goes."
I feel like Rob has to know this about me. How many loaded responses have I given him since we have started dating? And how many times have they backfired in the exact manner that I am about to show you and we have to go through this all over again? Why are we so freaking terrible at communicating?
Continuing.
A few minutes pass. I ask, "Are you really not coming?"
He says, "Do you want me to?"
I say, "Obviously I want you to come or I wouldn't have asked you."
Now, this exchange really should not have created the amount of tension that it did. And really, if I know anything about my husband, all the tension was coming from my end. Seriously. It is easier to light a wet match than make Rob Chipman upset. Knowing this only makes things worse for me in situations such as these and at this point, I am wound about as tight as I can go, and I am feeling uncomfortable and on the edge of hurt, so I resort to my number one defense mechanism: sarcasm.
So I spew out some sarcastic response, leaving him no time to respond before I am out the door.
What am I, five years old?
Then of course at the play, I see my aunt and uncle and cousin and I am feeling embarrassed to be showing up without my husband, because I automatically assume they can smell marital drama on me. And the play is good, but I just feel like crying because I handled the situation so poorly.
This is where weakness number two comes in. Conflict resolution. I can't do it. I step out of the car at home completely ready to play the victim, and then I step inside and immediately noticed he has cleaned the whole house. That was clearly a step to make things right. And I can't even take it.
Dammit.
I lose.
Why is it that I can never manage to be the bigger person in these stupid fights? Why do I insist on acting like a child? Why am I so terrible at communicating my feelings and expectations in a civil manner?
Ughhhh.
Reading back over this, it literally might be the most idiotic thing I have ever read. But that's my life.
Future self, hopefully you have grown up a bit.
Abi- thanks for your honesty. Robby and I go through this too! I also have to get better at communicating. He'll ask me if I want him to do something. No, I want him to want to do something. At least you are on year one and doing this. I'm on year three and still going strong:) Ha. Hopefully I'll do some growing up soon, too!
ReplyDeleteJulie, that is good to know! Sometimes I feel like a real psycho! I feel like all the blogs of married people I read make the people/relationships all seem so perfect, and sometimes it really depresses me. I just thought I'd be a little real with everyone for a minute :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I would also like anyone who reads this to know that I am no longer silently super pissed and things have returned to normal :)
Girl, you are NOT alone. Our first year was this over and over and over! I do the same thing. The best thing we did was sit down with a couple who had been married longer and could give us honest advice on what both of us needed to work on. One of the biggest things I learned is that our husbands are LITERAL. If you tell them something, they're going to take it that way. So being straight forward about what you're wanting is the best way to go. Marriage isn't easy, and being able to be honest about your own faults and willing to take steps to change those things is the first step in building a stronger one! You just have to force yourself to communicate with him. Force yourself to tell him exactly what you want and need in a respectful way, and remember that you are called to treat him with respect. When you feel like spewing mean comments at him, just take a deep breath and ask yourself if what you're about to say to your husband is God honoring and marriage strengthening. Not always easy, but that's what grace and love are for : ) Don't be too hard on yourself! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteLanna, it seriously means SO MUCH to know that other girls do this/deal with this. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. Thank you so much for the encouraging words - everything you say is so true! We have a lot to work on but good thing we have the rest of our lives to figure it all out :)
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely!!! Let me know if you ever need a pep talk! Here for ya girl!!!
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